Friday, February 04, 2005

On Aging and Death

Well it has been over a year that my mother and brother passed away, and I feel that ever since, there has been a shift, a very dramatic shift in how I think and how I feel. It is not for the better. I read the obits every day - and look at the ages of the people who died, some very young, some very old, some close to my age. It could happen soon, or not -we just don't know. I look to see what they died of - accident - suicide - horrible lingering illness. Am I obsessed? Do others do this? I look at my face for those signs - and sometimes I see my mother's face - some days more than others - and I must admit that at times it scares the hell out of me. I wonder why? Maybe because my mother was attractive - and I saw what aging did to her - even though she was my mother, and I loved her - it was ugly to see - so ugly and so frightening. And I cannot get the image of her as she lay dead on the hospital stretcher. What was that? Who was that? Why was I barely able to touch her hand, so cold and white. Why was my sister unable to stop touching her? Is there something wrong with me? A fatal flaw? So how do I change it? I would if I could.

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